Corny, I know. But that's what I said to myself yesterday when I realized that for the first time in about ten years that I was actually hanging out with the REAL ME! The Me that has been dormant for a decade, the Me that that used to entertain myself, support myself, and keep myself excellent company. I'M STILL IN THERE, and while she slept the Real Me got stronger, and happier!
I may sound crazy as well as corny, but here is what I mean. For the last decade I have been living in a very difficult and stressful situation. My family life was so strained, so problematic with teen issues, parenting issues, and emotional warfare basically, that I have been acting and feeling like someone else entirely. For ten years. I have been anxious, depressed, angry, enraged, despairing...you name it I have run the gauntlet of pain. Of course I had good times too - but they were always colored with the threat of the next big fight, the next issue that I could not control and that always seemed to get out of hand. For ten years I felt like a terrible parent, was unhappy in my own house, and could not find a route of escape. It was a situation that nobody could save me from - it was only to be endured. The only escape would be...to wait. Even if it took years, the situation was time-sensitive, and the clock would eventually run out. If I could only keep my marriage intact until then, we would probably have a pretty sweet thing going, just the two of us.
WAS I EVER RIGHT!!!! Sweet does not even begin to describe it. It is pure joy. It is wave after wave of positivity and love. During the last week I have discovered that I am STILL IN HERE, and that I still have a great capacity for joy and gratitude. It is intoxicating actually, the freedom that has come to me in the last week. It is even beyond my expectations. Every minute is free - for me to choose how to react, to make rational decisions based on experience and wisdom, based on love. And I immediately reap the rewards - everything is easy now. It's as it should be - we work hard, and we feel the rewards of that work. No arguing, no compromising, no sickening stress...it's all gone!!! Greg and I are on one page now. We only have ourselves to take care of, to comfort, to play with, to do fun things with. It feels like heaven!
Remember that feeling you had when you first moved out of your parent's house? Did you have your own apartment like I did? Did you move to another town? I remember feeling an excitement in the pit of my belly, every day - to wake up in your own place, no parents in sight, walk to your nearest coffee place and then exploring your new neighborhood - wasn't that the best thing in the world?! Better than Christmas, better than your birthday - it's a whole new life where you make all your own decisions, and decorate just the way you like it. Well ,that is what this feels like. It's like moving out of my parent's house all over again!!!!!!!!
We're doing over her room. We're painting it the creamiest white, and this weekend we ripped up the carpet. When I've finished painting I'll include pictures of the new curtains which are so pretty! I can't wait to move into this space, it is light, airy, delicate and ABOVE GROUND. For the last four years or so I've been in the basement bedroom which is cool and quiet, but very dark and has spiders. :( In fact during the painful years I often felt that it was a metaphor for my life - buried in the ground. How depressing is that?! But now, the new, pretty, upstairs room awaits me, with new windows - another metaphor - that open and close so easily and allow the air to whoosh right through.
The air is definitely whooshing through. It's whooshing right through my life! I'm getting reacquainted with myself every day, and can I just say - I am a pretty fun gal! I don't stay up very late, or do anything that would impress a 20 year-old, but everything I do I LIKE. And it's fun! Without that old stress in my life I am quite a happy, motivated person! Thank goodness, I wasn't sure a while ago what I would find when we got to this point. There was a distinct possibility that I had turned into a mad old hag during those years, and would never recover.
But the mad old hag is gone. And Julie Andrews has taken her place. Now excuse me while I go run up a mountain and sing!
Happy Monday everyone!