Five Totally Legitimate Reasons I Need/Deserve Retail Therapy

1. Homework with an emerging reader:  Which sounds innocent, and you conjure a beautiful butterfly “emerging” in literacy—but what they don’t tell you is the cocoon consists of a deep, dark pit in hell.  Extreme description?  Oh, I think not.  If you don’t agree you are either lying or a Saint, and if the latter, hats off, wish I was more like you.  Transport yourself to the very end of a long, LONG day…you are sitting with your child, and they are working on sight words.  I try flash cards.  I ask Gia to spell “OUR” and she draws out a “hhhhmmmmm”. (Everything takes Gia about 16 times longer than the slowest person in the world).  She repeats…’hhhmmmmm”, seconds tick by, I’m agonizing at the thought of 10 minutes of this.  She asks,  “Well, what does that one look like?”  Seriously.  That’s her question.  I want to throw the flash cards up in the air and storm out for a glass of wine, but instead I say, “well, it starts with an O”.  I get another “hhhmmmmm” and I say, “ok, spell it for me.”  She says, “A-U…”.   WTF?  Gia, I just said it started with an O.  We go downhill from there.
2. Face regime:  After months of scouting out and testing every expensive cream, potion, and age miracle serum out there, I have STILL not found the perfect cocktail.  I’ve decided my skin is either teenage greasy, or It’s literally flaking off like a reptile, so I either look bad, or worse.  Very frustrating.  PLUS…it’s expensive to look this bad. 
3. Spelling:   I think texting has destroyed what little spelling smarts I had.  If I write an email in the morning  before a solid 3 cups of coffee I swear I have to read it about 10 times because I will inevitable find a “u” instead of “you” or some other atrocity.  This post is probably filled with spelling errors.  I blame you technology.  
4. Repeating myself:  What is holding my glass house together right now is the fact that Romeo is picking up teeny tiny hole punches all over the throw rug in my office.  Why?  Because he put them there in the first place and I asked him to pick them up.  Just like that, I asked him, and he did it.  That never happens, but it’s happening right now like some miracle from god designed to keep me from going crazy.  I pick up after the kids constantly -- most of it is stuff I asked THEM to do.  Anything they DO in fact do is because I repeated the request 10 times or more.  It’s annoying, but not in a little way, more like in a splinter in the eyeball kind of way.   So other than this exact moment, (because watching Romeo sit here with his little boxer shorts on, bare chested, cross legged on the floor picking up these pieces so methodically makes me wonder why I’m complaining), the fact that in almost every other instance  I waste an incredible amount of energy repeating myself to either my kids or husband drives me mad.  That deserves serious retail therapy street cred.
5. The grind:  My schedule with work, the kids, school, extra-curricular activities and a social life is so insane that I have to slowly wade thru each week because if I think big picture (as in, weeks and weeks of this on end) I might flip out.  My morning commute and drop off circuit takes me 2 hours.  That’s right, TWO HOURS.  I go day by day, and when I make it thru the drop off, work day, pick up, dinner, bath and homework (that includes hell spelling), I give myself a much deserved pat on the back and say “you are a miracle worker…everyone is alive,  relatively well fed, and you’ve got nothing to do for the next 6 hours (the fact that I need to sleep is irrelevant).  Cudos lady, you deserve something pretty.

 

I know full well all my frustrations here are neither important in the scheme of things, nor particularly big issues (I’m sure I could get some far larger ones thrown my way that would make these seem small).  BUT the thing about frustrations,  to be ABLE to put them into perspective you have to actually acknowledge them.  

Once I acknowledge them I can use them as a legit and harmless way to treat myself to something  (because god knows I seriously doubt anyone else is going to do it), and then I will just feel so darn fortunate to have something cool and new to wear that I will forget my petty frustrations.  The above hoodie and boots might make all those petty frustrations disappear.  Just sayin'. 

Signed, ME {lv}

 

 

 

Comments

[Diane]

Lauren, you are an hilarious writer!!! :)

[Corrie Piper]

I agree with Diane. I literally was laughing out loud the whole way through. Thank you for being so honest about your life and giving us all a laugh. I sure can relate!!