I called this post "Butterfly" because that is what I keep telling myself I am going to be. Right now, sure I may feel, look, sound, and act somewhat like a pupae, a larvae, a grub on the worst mornings, but that it is simply a transitional stage and I will soon emerge as a beautiful, shimmering butterfly. Or a goddess, whatever. In fact I am not actually a pupae or a grub but a chrysalis. Now, that's better.
I may sound delusional, but you do what you gotta' do, right?! And menopause will drive you to it! I mean, what else is one to think or tell oneself when one's body is consumed by fire every ten minutes, and left shivering and clammy the next?! What other explanation for this sudden hijacking of the body? How else to explain how, when you've been a healthy vegan for 15 years, never had head aches in your life, you suddenly start suffering from 24-36 hour migraines?! Those are no joke.
The great irony is...in four months my teenager is moving out. Each day that goes by brings the week to a close, and each week another month. It is going by quickly - in two weeks it will be 3 1/2 months, soon it will be two months, and then....I will have my bathroom back, my kitchen back, my budget back, my sleep...well, probably not my sleep thanks to my being a chrysalis and all, my peace of mind and serenity back....now, I realize not every mother feels this way. Some mothers have a hard time letting their children go, and even allow them to stay for years or even decades past their high school graduation day.
But that is not this story. It is not a story the teen wants, either. Our house is very small, the only tiny teensy bathroom sandwiched between the two bedrooms...there is just no privacy. And now that we're old and go to bed so early she has to be quiet by about 8pm which I don't think is "cool" in any book. So she is definitely ready to go whether she knows it or not, and it is just. plain. time. for it to happen.
Luckily it won't be a hard transition for her, she's moving in with my mom. :) Now my mom is cool, she is hip, she is very nice and she will dote on Cora. She also has a sweeeet, bohemian pad in Eugene filled with essential oils, great tea, an amazing garden, etc that Cora will love.She also will not tolerate lazy, lay-about behavior and big messes. So Cora will learn some badly-needed life-skills. I'm not worried about Cora. I'm excited for me!
So to continue about the irony of all this - I am poised on the verge of a major life milestone/breakthrough/liberation. I can already feel the intoxicating anticipation of imminent freedom welling up inside me, periodically making me dance on the spot - and then - I am felled by one of these strange, gripping fevers (hot flashes), or a sudden debilitating POUND in my temple (migraine) that will warn me that I had just better chill out. And I am obedient.
Believe me, this stuff won't let you do anything else. Nature is bigger than us, it is bigger than our milestones, our clean kitchens and bathrooms, bigger than my peace of mind or serenity - it is in control. And so, chastened and humbled I chill. I hold all things lightly in my mind, waiting, curled, hidden, in limbo - a fabulous chrysalis that will eventually dissolve, into a butterfly. Stay tuned. xoxoxo DR
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