Monday. New start….and you know how I feel about new starts. Here’s what is on the agenda today. Positive notes. I left one for Lucia this morning that said “You’re cooler than a fist bump”. As you can see, a positive note has a wide spectrum of interpretation and can come in many forms. I think maybe it made her laugh, and that’s joyful.
I’m leaving for Mexico with Ava on Thursday, and I’m excited, but also nervous. I want the trip to include some of that “mother daughter” time you envision in your head and rarely actually pans out (when you have a 14 year old at least…I’ve heard it’s different when they get older). I don’t need a lot, just a little. I could ride high for months on a solid 2 hours of it, I'm not greedy. However, I’m trying to keep my expectation bar in the realm of reasonable.
I’m going to REALLY try to take this trip for what it is, without the baggage of expectation, prior disappointment, resentment etc. If you are wondering how all that can be heaped on a 14 year old, it’s not just about Ava, but we are going to visit my parents, so it includes all that family baggage (not all of it heavy, but some of it is). We haven’t seen them in 15 months, and that’s a long time. That’s one of the lessons I’ve only learned the hard way….sometimes, you just can’t change the way things are.
It seems like growing up involves coming to terms with reality vs. what you think reality should be or what you believe it’s going to imminently grow into. Extended family for most people is just a hotbed of issues. I think a lot of people spend years trying to make family relationships healthier, and set their expectations really high (or at least as high as they set other relationships in their life). I’m talking less about immediate nuclear families, more about the second circle of extended family …grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. I have come to the point where I’m just trying to keep from actively arguing or fighting with anyone, and I set my expectations low—well below my friend bar. Pleasant inter-change, superficial discussions on weather, and state flower trivia? Sign me up. Beats arguing about stuff that won’t change, and I think might be actively contributing to the permanent residence of my deepest wrinkles. The other universal truth? Everyone’s family is at least a little messed up (and lots can say "lots" messed up), and almost everyone tries to keep the degree by which they are messed hush-hush, on the down-low, or otherwise secret.
I’m trying to thoroughly enjoy my nuclear family right now because eventually all my kids will go off and start their own nuclear families, and I’ll be out there in the second circle. Oh god, that’s a crazy thought! By then my kids will all be in therapy working thru all the crap I’m doing wrong right now, and complaining to their friends and/or spouses about having to set their bar lower to deal with their family. Big sigh…such is the circle of life, right? I am not sure if that bums me out, or makes me feel a bit liberated to know that I’m part of the same cycle that everyone, everywhere, is part of. Everyone goes into it with the best intentions to do better; I guess that’s all you can hope for. Maybe that’s all I should focus on, just doing better today, right now. I’m going to go write some more positive sticky notes and leave them everywhere.
Here’s what I’m taking with me (Hard Tail Princess Hoodie in white), which I just bought from the store and might be one of my new favorite things. It’ll be hot in Mexico, but relatively cool at night. So I need some lighter coverage for evenings and early morning, and I think this will be perfect. My parents moved to probably the most inconveniently located part of Mexico, a city called Merida, which is around the top of the Yucatan side. It’ll take a day of travel to get there. It’s faster to go to Paris….no joke. So we’ll travel Thursday, return Monday, which really only leaves three days. I’m going to attempt one carry on suitcase because we also have to zig-zag on different airlines….down to LA, then to Mexico City, then to Merida. I’m bringing a carry on suitcase, and a huge purse full of Zen.
So here’s what I’ll say this morning, because clearly I’ve got a bit of trip anxiety and I’ve just unloaded a whole therapy session of issues in this post; my goal this week, besides spreading my little joy nuggets daily, is that I’m going to take this week as it comes, and try to let go of lots of needless expectations that might potentially damper the trip. I.E., I’m leaving my emotional baggage at the door. I’m just going to try and do some joy inspiring things and focus on the now, doing better, and nothing else.
I’m taking a handful of these new Satori Rue “eye-candy” bracelets, in healing and inspiring colors. Lucia has taken to wearing a ton of bracelets on her right hand, and I love the way it looks. It’s very bohemian, and youthful. I’m going to copy her.
Signed, ME {lv}
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